Maybe Slander

That's how I want to go.

2009-02-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

Man dies attempting Viagra-fueled 12 hour orgy. (To win a bet)

2009-02-10T05:44:00.001-08:00

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

2009-01-30T04:53:00.000-08:00

Detroit: A dead body, found frozen in ice in the flooded basement of an abandoned building, is ignored to play a game of hockey. Nowhere else. Nowhere else in the world would this fucking happen.

Lighthouses v. Tidal Waves

2009-01-28T04:55:00.001-08:00

Bruce in the Tree.

2009-01-27T18:16:00.001-08:00

Bruce in the Tree.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

From Christmas, obviously, but we didn't have a functioning computer then. We had a functioning Christmas tree, and a [barely] functioning cat.

2009-01-23T05:30:00.001-08:00

Training at Wendy's... in the 80's.

2009-01-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

Seriously.

2008-11-06T10:48:00.001-08:00

I found this vid in a Wired review of an HD camera, but it's just beautiful footage of Tokyo, so enjoy.

Tokyo Reality (Canon 5D Mark II) Final
by lejapon

Gov't Rainbows.

2008-10-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

Surprise post! Via the work comp. This lady is worth the extra effort.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Finally, the World Agrees With Me.

2008-06-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

Torres Hailed as World's Best

Torres: The Making of a Legend

Torres Clinches Euro 2008 for Spain

Aragones Lauds Hero Torres

Torres Tipped for Greatness

... I could go on and on, really. But instead, I'll wrap it up with this awesome and hilarious commercial, which shows the city of Liverpool fall under the influence of a certain Spanish footballer.

The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen

2008-06-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

Celebrate!

2008-06-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

It seems that my Feminist Rant marked the 100th post of Maybe Slander. Please, feel free to send me a cake.

Feminist Rant!

2008-06-25T17:50:00.001-07:00

... It's been awhile since I've been on one, but I've been inspired.

Wimbledon, a.k.a. the greatest of annual sporting events, began two days ago. Its second day featured men's number two seed Rafael Nadal and the newly-crowned women's number one, Ana Ivanovic. The post match coverage really blew my mind:

The segment that followed Nadal's match, Nadal Pleased to Win 'Strange Match', was perfectly reasonable, discussing the ups and downs of his performance that day. Chalk it up.

So I headed over to find out what happened in Ivanovic's match, only to find this gem: Ivanovic Looking for Love. The video, in which the reporter cheekily describes his efforts to liven up the interview process, focuses on the tough questions: Does she have a boyfriend? Does she get love letters? If she could get an animal, what kind of animal would she get? (I'm fucking serious- watch it.)

Now, I'm as smitten with Ana as anyone. She's gorgeous, charming, and talented. But I expect more during Wimbledon, which the British media is supposed to hold in the highest regard. After all, this is the most prestigious event in tennis, the game that gave us feminist icons like Billie Jean King; the only game I can think of in which the women are held in the same esteem and limelight as the men. Let's be professional, people.

...Although, when all is said and done, I must admit: I was relieved to hear she's single. God damnit, she's such a babe.

When Blackbirds Attack

2008-06-24T05:01:00.000-07:00

First on The Chicagoist, now on BBC News, these birds be crazy, man.

omG Best Birds EVER!

2008-06-21T05:13:00.001-07:00

The Bird's Poltergeist - 2 - video powered by Metacafe

Current Obsession: Cassie Berman

2008-06-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been into the Silver Jews since Josh told me to listen to them two years ago, but I never really did my research. Then I saw them on Pitchfork.tv, and lo and behold, there was this beautiful lady, and she was singing. Singing beautifully. She's Cassie Berman, wife of David Berman, her voice is gorgeous, and I think she needs a solo record. Please, God, let her record a solo record.

3304 W. Beach

2008-06-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

... Is my new address. I'm officially a resident of Humboldt Park, and I'm excited about it.

My bathroom has a heated stone floor. With its own thermostat.

I have a backyard, with brick patio. Made for grilling.

A garage, too.

I have a finished back porch, with floor-to-ceiling sliding glass doors.

Oh, the porch has a maple floor, which is also heated. With thermostat.

Rooftop deck equipped with nice new patio furniture.

Mere feet from the gorgeous park, with tennis courts and a nice sandy beach.

I'm planning a bbq for the Fourth of July. I will keep you all posted.

2008-06-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Wait... Just one more post for today. I just logged into Flickr, and on the front page was a user named "Lestatshadow," the most goth-nerdy, Anne Rice-referencing handle I've seen since the mid-nineties. I clicked on the name, and sure enough, it features 200 nearly-identical photos of some sad girl's cat.

Genius.

A Tour of Intelligentsia LA: Part One.

2008-06-17T19:21:00.001-07:00

Fifth Human Foot Found in Canada

2008-06-17T07:10:00.001-07:00

Maybe I don't want to visit Vancouver.

Famous Again.

2008-06-16T07:08:00.001-07:00

Oops, my pics were featured on The Chicagoist again this weekend.

NYC Street Sweeper Eats Little Dog.

2008-06-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Owner cries, BBC reports, Todd laughs.

Abandoned Japanese Theme Park

2008-06-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

I found this collection of photos on a Flickr group I belong to, and I think they're the most beautiful and awesome pics I've come across in awhile. This is just one of many, so please check out the entire site's worth.

2008-06-05T03:44:00.000-07:00

Plus, Zetterberg for the Conn Smythe (MVP). Duh.

Best Office Worker Meltdown EVER.

2008-06-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos

UPDATE: This was faked. I suspected that the WWE-style foot-sweep off the desk looked a little too perfect. Total bummer.

2008-06-01T15:44:00.001-07:00

"Liverpool are officially the best team in Europe. The Anfield club top the official Uefa rankings that are based on European performances over the last five years. AC Milan are a point behind in second, Chelsea make into third while European champions Manchester United only make it to seventh. (Sunday Express)"

Red Wings v. Penguins, Game 2

2008-05-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

"The Wings have controlled every facet of this series and reduced the talent-laden Pittsburgh Penguins to a collection of matchstick men.

With their 3-0 victory in Monday's Game 2, the question isn't so much whether the Red Wings will win their fourth Stanley Cup since 1997 but rather whether the Penguins will manage to score at all in the series."-ESPN.com

Red Wings v. Penguins

2008-05-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

"The 4-0 final score didn't come close to conveying the Wings' dominance of the final two periods, in which they out-shot Pittsburgh 25-7 and seemed to control the puck for minutes on end... It often seemed as if there were seven or eight Wings on the ice, so smothering was their defensive effort."- NHL.com

Game Two, tonight at 7pm. 8pm if you're actually in Detroit.

Chicagoist finds us sexy.

2008-05-21T17:46:00.001-07:00

Apparently, May is national Masturbation Month, which is just fine with me. Even better, Chicagoist posted a list of 45 things that "get them going," and were kind enough to include The Baristas of Intelligentsia on the list.

We're flattered, Chicagoist. We never knew you felt this way. Wait, yes we did.

Red Wings w00t

2008-05-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Red Wings progression to the Stanley Cup Finals (as of last night), I snapped some pics of pics from their 1998 victory parade in Detroit.

These are some of the first photos I had ever taken (on film, too- Imagine that), and I still think they look pretty damn good. To digitize them, I just shot them on my desk with my sd870, so excuse the dust. And excuse Chris Osgood's Oakley Eyejackets. I had a pair in 1998 too, you know.

Now if only the league isn't fixed to let Sidney Crosby win the Cup, I can look forward to a weekend trip for another of these fine, tacky parades. Lord knows the Tigers won't be having one this year.

PS: Larger versions of the pics available on Flickr.

But the Kenyans are so fast!

2008-05-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

This explains all of Africa's problems.

Lemme Lemme Upgrade

2008-05-19T07:16:00.001-07:00

Lemme Lemme Upgrade
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

My beloved, but worn-beyond-its-years sd800 met its demise a few months ago, at Coffee Fest in DC. There are pics leading up to it's final moments, including one of the beer it was dropped in, on my Flickr page, of course.

But Spring is here, everything is beautiful, there is a wedding around the corner... how could I not splurge for a new guy? And how could I get anything less than the successor to my last guy? And how could I not get the Best Buy replacement plan this time around?

2008-05-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Texas. A 13-year-old boy steals his Dad's credit card. Buys Oreos, Fritos, Dr. Pepper, and Hookers... to play Halo with. what a good kid.

BBC Headline Writers Unfamiliar with American Vernacular

2008-05-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

Great Tits Cope Well with Warming.

Yeah, it's that easy.

Hitchcock must've visited Tokyo.

2008-05-07T08:55:00.001-07:00

Trash Day
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

I posted this crappy photo in an attempt to share the intensity of these big-ass crows found on the streets of Tokyo, but was frustrated that I never grabbed a better pic than this.

So I was grateful this morning, when the NYT posted a story on the birds, along with a much better picture.

I'm glad that the Times and I have the same journalistic vision.

私によっては東京が抜けている。

2008-04-22T07:34:00.001-07:00

Cheiko Touching up
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

I was warned this week that my Flickr Pro account was expiring, and realized that I registered that account (and started this blog) the day before I left for Tokyo last April. That depressed me a bit, because of course I miss Tokyo tremendously.

So as a melancholy anniversary celebration, I've uploaded a handful of pics from the trip that, for some reason, I didn't see fit to share before. They're fairly mundane, and probably won't mean much to anyone outside of Louis, Ashley and me.

This one of Cheiko is the exception- I actually think it's gorgeous. Don't know why I never uploaded it before. But please, check out the rest and enjoy.

Sunday.

2008-04-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

This morning: bored, hungover, lazy. Decided to watch Cloverfield, which was akin to tasering myself, volunteering for a waterboarding demonstration, or trying to find my soul mate in Wrigley Field.

I had eaten breakfast, and was starting to feel better when I put the movie on, but it's amazing what an hour of shaky cameras and non-stop screaming can do for your health.

I repeat: Do not watch Cloverfield hungover.

Actually, don't see it at all. There's one cool scene where a girl explodes, and that's it.

2008-04-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

I was accused of misogyny the other day. Again. Maybe it's time to embrace it.

Domestic Abuse No Longer A Problem, Say Bruised Female Researchers

Obama's a dick.

2008-04-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've always been more of a Craig Kilborn guy, but Jon Stewart won some points here:

Wake Up and Go Berserk

2008-04-06T04:26:00.001-07:00

Wilbur
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

It's been a glorious, glorious weekend. There is no greater holiday than that first warm Spring weekend, when you have a new bike to ride and the 75,000 beautiful girls in your neighborhood come out of hiding. Like cicadas, but not terrifying.

Hopefully I'll get to see Wilbur, the uber-friendly neighborhood cat, soon, because I don't need a Groundhog- Wilbur tells me when it's Summer.

2008-04-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

In the build-up to today's Champions League clash between Liverpool and Arsenal, BBC News wrote a lovely little essay about how incredible Fernando Torres is. I think you'll all agree.

Lolz

2008-03-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Long arm of the Law

2008-03-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

Detroit's joke of a Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, is finally feeling some heat for his obviously shady reign over that blighted city. His hilarious text-message sex scandal was even featured on the front page of BBC News, which is of course where I discovered it.

Oh, and yes. That is indeed the mayor of Detroit, pictured. 'Nuff said?

I guess it's official.

2008-03-18T12:13:00.001-07:00

Finally, something funny on this Todd-forsaken blog.

And it's from The Simpsons, no less. Double shocker.

Soccer Friends vs. Soccer Merchandise

2008-03-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've acquired a few buddies to watch soccer with on the weekends, and their names are Amber, William, and Luc. Old, old friends who finally decided to see what gets me out of bed at 6 a.m. on a Saturday. They seem interested in the game, but not enough so that they're impressed by my incredible new Liverpool-edition Sambas!

Soccer becomes social.

2008-02-25T07:30:00.001-08:00

Fresh from a vacation in Ireland, Amber and William decided to join me this weekend at Ginger's for some early morning football and brunch. Torres scored three times, and Amber said he has the same complexion as me. I would prefer his hair, but I was still giddy at the compliment. He's suuuch a dreamboat.

Ah, Fox.

2008-01-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

This entry was originally for my gaming blog, but I decided that it's more about the faux journalism than gaming. Also, it just inspires too much anger for one blog to contain. Enjoy.

Arghhh, Fox News really gave me the screws this week, when they simultaneously attacked my hobby of gaming and my love for journalism with one tidy little package.

Watch their expert openly laugh when her "facts" are challenged, and she is asked if she's played the game in question, a.k.a., done any research at all.

Watch their mediator quickly change the subject when the correspondent from Spike TV points out their factual errors.

Watch the panel of experts at the end, who conveniently all share the same opinion and openly joke about their complete lack of knowledge.

Shit, I have a headache.

2008-01-10T17:11:00.001-08:00

More pro-Clinton propaganda.

Rodham-Clinton 2008

2008-01-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm an outcast here in Chicago. It's not that I dislike Obama. I actually think he's incredible. He'll make a great President eight years from now. Or perhaps a great Vice President this year. Cuz man, I'm sticking with the Clintons.

It Only Gets Worse

2007-12-22T15:34:00.001-08:00

Luc Dazzles the Crowd.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Not that this photo needs any more attention, but if we're shooting a calendar, why not plug it on my own blog?

The Men Of Monadnock, aka Mentelligentsia, aka Show Us Your Monads calendar, shot at Josh and Amy's tacky Xmas sweater party, will NOT be available for gift-giving season. Thiiiiink mid-winter.

But then, you would probably lose friends from giving this gift. Almost certainly.

Until tomorrow.....

2007-12-18T14:01:00.001-08:00

Until tomorrow.....
Originally uploaded by the pentax hammer.

I'm usually skeptical of sunset photography, because it's so easy to snatch a great shot, but this one's exceptional, and from Michigan to boot. Sleeping Bear Dunes, to be exact. Please check out a larger version.

The Dark Knight

2007-12-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

A full-length trailer for The Dark Knight has finally been released, and I instantly recognized a certain motorcycle that I was stopped from photographing. Pretty much every street scene in this trailer is shot within 2 blocks of my work. No big deal.

"With You Always"

2007-12-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

Growing up, my parents always assured me that Jesus was with me. Sometimes it's hard to imagine, because of the Holocaust and Playstation 3, but this handy website never fails to restore my faith.

Letting The Onion do the work.

2007-12-03T07:55:00.001-08:00

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

Gratuitous Torres/Gerrard shot!

2007-11-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

Vintage Mod

2007-10-29T18:09:00.001-07:00

Vintage Mod
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

This gentleman handles all of the gold-embossed window graphics at Monadnock, and has been kind enough to update our look over the course of the past week.

Being a fan of the classic "I" Pot logo, I was sad to see some of the last (and most gorgeous) examples leave the store, but I have to admit, the wings look pretty nice in gold.

Schwarznegger Eyes the Presidency

2007-10-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

Actually, this is Arnold sizing up the Prez after their publicity flight over the Cali wildfires. I'm just surprised that George forgot his flightsuit.

New Things

2007-10-14T19:37:00.001-07:00

Bridge Up!
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

I've been in Chicago for nearly 5 years now, and until last week, I'd never seen one of these bridges up. This particular one is at Franklin & Wacker, and was blockin' my bike ride home.

Also new: My roommate Bob. Technically not new, since I've known him forever, but he just moved here from Michigan, so he's new to my Chicago life. He smokes cigars and plays videogames. He also cleaned our bathroom mega-good.

Ahem.

2007-10-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

I want to quit posting about Halo, I really do, but the news just keeps a comin'.

Today Bungie announced their departure from Microsoft Studios, and is once more an independent game studio. The split was amicable, and they plan to continue developing Xbox titles, including future Halo titles through MS Games. Congratulations, Bungie!

When co-founder Alex Seropian left the company to return to the indie scene a few years ago, I thought it was an admirable move. He fled board meetings and produced one of the most entertaining games on the original Xbox. Now he's working on what looks to be a nice little boutique party game that I'm sure will earn rave reviews.

Not that I've been critical of Bungie's work at MS; They've done amazing things. Halo is truly a masterpice, and it would not exist as it does without the backing of Gates & co. But that chapter is closed, and to move forward in a creative fashion would have been impossible with MS goons leering over shoulders, looking for another $300 Million-dollar game.

Now, if only they would abandon that creepy Washington warehouse and return to Chicago. So I can work for them. As a janitor, if I must.

Pwned!

2007-10-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

Who knew there was a reality-tv award show? Well, anybody who did had to be expecting this level of depressing awkwardness. I don't really know who these guys are, but I like the guy that wins. And he does win. Official word: One lost tooth (and shoe), three misplaced teeth that require root canals.

Just One More Halo Post, I Promise

2007-10-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the best thing in gaming software?
A: Halo.

Q: What's the best thing in gaming hardware?
A: The Nintendo DS.

Combining the two would be a no-brainer, but amlost certainly impossible, given the rivalry between Microsoft and Nintendo. So I was shocked to see this vid, which not only proves that such a project did exist, but that it was nearly completed before being quashed by someone (MS, most likely).

Here's to what could have been:

The Stuff of Legend

2007-09-28T18:38:00.001-07:00

Everything Legendary.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

I'm finally starting to recover from the initial shock of Halo 3's release. And by recover, I mean sleep more than 2 hours a night and occasionally leave the house.

Everyone's been asking me what I think of the game, but I'm at a loss for words. I want to send Bungie an overly sentimental and sincere Hallmark card, thanking them for doing such a good job on this game. I love it like I love a great record, which I believe is a testament to Bungie's love for their project. It's more than a product to them, and it really shows, especially in Campaign mode, where Halo 2 seemed a bit lacking.

I'm no game designer, so it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what Bungie did (although Wired took a crack at explaining it), but Halo 3 recaptures the feeling that made the first installment so, well... Legendary. I lol'd when I was killed, I pumped my fist with excitement during cinematics, and I felt the same bittersweet love at the end that I felt when The Return of the King faded to black (for the final time). What I'm trying to say is, the third part has cemented this trilogy's status as an all-time great. If it could, it would surely win 10 Oscars.

While there is no game award prestigious enough to honor a game like Halo 3, Bungie might take consolation in the fact that their game smashed media sales records in its first day of release. That's across all mediums, mind you. Films, records, books... you name it. Halo beat them all, including the highest grossing film, Spiderman 3, and even mother-fucking Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. It crushed them. And keep in mind, only American sales have been tallied. When the worldwide numbers are in, first-day sales are expected to exceed $300 million. First. Day. Sales.

To everyone that's going to rip on me for this entry: have you considered that, just maybe, you've been missing out?

It's Halo-Eve.

2007-09-24T16:59:00.001-07:00

Well, folks, the evening has arrived. I'll be heading to Gamestop tonight at midnight to pick up my copy of Halo 3 (Legendary Edition of course, MSRP $130.00). I even took a day off of work to play the game, although due to a minor confusion, I took Wednesday, not Tuesday. So tomorrow I might be a bit grumpy at work.

When I was in Michigan a few weeks ago, Ian showed me this commercial. I thought it was funny at first, but as we near the launch of Halo 3, the more genuinely emotional it seems to me. To go extreme dork on ya'll, I have to admit: I'm getting a bit sentimental at the thought of retiring my good ol' Halo 2 disc. It brought some good times: extreme laughter and extreme anger. And that's what games are all about.

Modeling Ricky-wear.

2007-09-20T19:58:00.001-07:00

Modeling Ricky-wear.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

My excitement for the launch of Halo 3 is almost palpable in this photo. Not necessarily in my face, or my posture, or general presence; but in the hoodie I'm wearing, which I lovingly screened with our clan icon. I made some hoodies like this for my brothers last X-mas, but those were just the prototypes. Expect a full line of this hotness in the near future. Being dorky never looked so good.

More fame and fortune via Flickr

2007-09-15T18:21:00.001-07:00

Yay, I'm featured on Chicagoist again. Thanks to Jeff Cagle for letting me know.

Guardian of Leavitt

2007-09-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

Home Security System.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

The other day Jackie and I were discussing the terrifying bug populace of Florida. I didn't really need another reason to avoid the south, but she gave me one, in the form of Banana Spiders. As some of you know, I already have plenty of issues with arachnids.

In talking shit about Florida, I got a little cocky about Chicago's moderate bug diversity, only to find this asshole on my front gate this morning. Meh, at least he's not the size of my hand.

2007-09-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

Are you simple?

2007-09-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

This was on my myspace for a bit. I think it deserves a chance to strut its stuff over here as well.

First Time in Wrigley

2007-08-31T07:30:00.000-07:00

Look at all those rapists!

One of the funnier things I've ever posted.

2007-08-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

Lolz.

Onion Personals Post #3.

2007-08-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

Expect a series of these:

Redemption

2007-08-23T12:17:00.001-07:00

Kara is scary
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Chicagoist finally stepped up its latte art coverage yesterday, when they posted my pic of Kara, and her skillz to pay teh billz.

I think it's official: There is much love between Intelligentsia and Chicagoist.

More fun with The Onion Personals!

2007-08-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

My popularity on The Onion Personals has been steadily dwindling since I signed up. It's sad, really. The latest email about 'New Matches!' could only scrounge up one new member that met my rather demanding criteria (age 22-30, living in Chicago).

Here she is:

Some of you may recognize that big-mouthed redhead. First, The Onion tried setting my up with my boss's ex-girlfriend, now it's trying to re-acquaint me with my own. Oh, Onion. Stick to satire.

...

Omg wait... Are they sticking to satire?!?

US Secretary of Transportation: Bikes 'Really not Transportation'

2007-08-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

US Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters is a true American:

"Well, there's about probably some 10 percent to 20 percent of the current spending that is going to projects that really are not transportation, directly transportation-related. Some of that money is being spent on things, as I said earlier, like bike paths or trails."

By the way, she's trying to explain the bridge collapse in Minneapolis. Apparently it was due to all the money wasted on cyclists.

Read the full interview here.

Somehow I missed this

2007-08-19T07:27:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many bodies they find on the bottom at the end of the day.

He could be my bff.

2007-08-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Ups and Downs of Filter's Relocation.

2007-08-15T14:43:00.001-07:00

Gentrification.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

On the Bright Side

1. There will be a significant drop in Missed Connections for me to waste time on.

2. People will no longer ask me to meet them at Filter. Then, after seeing my grimace, ask me why I don't like Filter.

3. Leaves the 'hood in need of a central coffee shop. Hello, Intelligentsia Wicker Park?

On the Down Side

1. I was in love with a girl that worked there (of course).

2. It's going to be a bank. Yes, another one. In the Flat Iron Building.

3. There will be a significant drop in Missed Connections for me to waste time on.

Play-doh.

2007-08-12T10:25:00.001-07:00

Venue for Tennis
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Despite a long-term love for tennis, I've never learned to play the game properly. I always thought that I was okay, but upon taking actual lessons, it turns out I was wrong. Luckily my friend Sean is remedying the situation. He coaches at Robert Morris College, in addition to working as a pro at the club pictured here. Sean's got my forehand straightened out pretty well, but my backhand is still a nightmare. As is my fitness level. But my suckiness at tennis isn't really the point of this entry. I just wanted to show off the sweet-ass clay courts we've been playing on.

Frustrating Things

2007-08-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

1. The obsese, screaming child in the theater with the obese, retarded parents that refused to take him outside. I miss the private screening room. Roger Ebert would've just eaten that fat little fuck and given him two thumbs down.

2. There was amazing Batman stuff scattered through the streets on Friday; enough that I could even reveal a spoiler or two about the movie. Unfortunately, for once the crew was on-hand to baller-block my camera work. So no fun for ya'll.

3. Stephane, who you may recognize from my adventures in Tokyo, played here in Chicago last night, and I didn't find out about it until about 2 in the morning. I really like him as a person, and as a DJ. There are maybe two people in the world I can say that about. Hopefully he will be hanging with Ashley today, and I can crash that party.

My God-Given Talent as a Barista

2007-08-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday The Chicagoist featured this photo of a latte from Intelligentsia on Broadway:

Here's a latte I poured today:

Chicagoist, you'd betta recognize. And to the kids at Broadway, I love ya, but Do like Snoop said, "Step ya game up."

The Hazards of Gotham

2007-08-01T18:25:00.001-07:00

Helicopter
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Although I didn't manage to score any extra work in the new Batman film (as I did on Batman Begins), I have been riding my bike through Gotham City every morning, as I work about a block from Wayne Tower, a.k.a. The Chicago Board of Trade.

Yesterday, I was hungover and riding with my head down, staring at my feet. Great idea for riding in traffic. But at 5 a.m., the threat isn't from crazy taxis, it's from burnt-out helicopters on the sets of major motion pictures. Some asshole left this thing in the bike lane, and I almost crashed into it. I would've hated to dent such a valuable prop.

Jackie.

2007-07-31T18:03:00.000-07:00

Now It's Summer

2007-07-24T22:34:00.001-07:00

Tsha and Josh and God.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Tsha, Josh and I went to the Sox v. Tigers game tonight. The Tigers blew a 7-1 lead, which was a bit rough considering all this shit I had been talking, but the night was gorgeous. This was the start of it: drinking forties on Josh's roof in Wicker Park.

I was smoother.

2007-07-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

Lolz, check out this douche. He tried to hit on this girl that I used to stalk, and she posted their correspondence as a bulletin, because it's a total classic.

Jovan: interesting profile you have there, not to mention captivating pics!

Erin: you've sent this message to me before...multiple times.

Jovan: hmm, evidently you didn't have the brains or taste enough to respond before. What else would one expect from someone dumb enough to admire some chimp like Barack Obama.

***

Please keep the blatant racism in mind as you check out his profile. Feel free to send him fun messages. Especially if you're black.

Things I've Done Today

2007-07-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

1. Avoided upsetting customers.

2. Decided that the new Spoon record is living up to the hype.

3. Pulled or strained a hamstring riding my bike.

4. Discovered that Kara's true Daemon is a Chimpanzee. Wasn't surprised.

Lincoln Park

2007-07-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

Me and Tsha went to Lincoln Park tonight. Here's proof.

I love shiny objects.

2007-07-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

Last winter I met a smart girl, and she introduced me to Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. It's a children's fantasy series in the vein of Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings, but it's darker and more subversive than any of those works. Aaaaand it's an absolute masterpiece. I've been dutifully passing the books on, trying to expose friends to them before the first film is released this winter.

Anyway, In Pullman's world(s), human beings have a physical incarnation of their souls, called Daemons. They take the form of animal companions that represent the qualities of their human. Children's Daemons can change shape at will, reflecting the untapped potential of youth. But around puberty, they settle on a permanent shape. Humans and their Daemons are absolutely inseperable; they are literally the two halves of the same being.

The girl I mentioned earlier would always ask me: "What would your Daemon be?" A loaded question, in the eyes of a dork. And we were dorks. Luckily, I always managed to dodge it. I wanted to believe it would be a river otter.

But you can't choose your Daemon's shape, so I was never sure. But now, thanks to the magic of the interweb, the girl's question has been answered. Scientifically. As part of the upcoming film's marketing campaign, you can take a quick myspace-style personality quiz here and meet your real Daemon.

Without further ado...

Modest? Who you callin' modest!?

Just 5 seconds of your time, please.

2007-07-14T19:31:00.001-07:00

Nobody Panic.

2007-07-10T19:46:00.001-07:00

Shaved Head.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

If my apartment had a security camera, it would show some interesting things from last night. For instance, 2 a.m. found me running around in the dark, wielding my laptop as a flashlight, frantically throwing clothes and blankets around my bedroom.

It's sort of a long story, but it involves a recurring nightmare featuring a large spider, and a newfound (or newly discovered) tendency to sleepwalk. An ex-girlfriend once woke to find me frantically pulling her out of bed, away from that fucking spider. Usually it takes about a minute for me to realize that I'm dreaming, even if I'm running through the house. To any aspiring therapists: please tell me what it means.

Oh yeah, and last week I got drunk and buzzed all of my hair off. This is what I looked like by the time I realized what I was doing. That's even a decent re-enactment of the face I made.

Anal Disembowelment, Chinese Opera

2007-07-06T12:13:00.001-07:00

Gross

Everyone thinks I'm making it up, so thank God CNN covered this story about the 6-year-old girl who got her intestines sucked out through her asshole by the drain of a public kiddie pool. Yes, you read that right. Disemboweled via her rectum. And fuck you guys for thinking I would make something like that up.

Beautiful
I consider myself a fan of everything Damon Albarn does, and by that logic I now consider myself a fan of Chinese Opera. Mr. Albarn, of Blur and Gorillaz, is composing the music for Monkey: Journey to the West, an opera based on a 16th-century Chinese fable and a 70's Japanese TV show. For the show, he invented an instrument that uses a keyboard of arcade-style buttons to control a 24-note scale of car horns that he recorded in China. God damnit, I love this man. Image and details from Wired.

For the ladies... and soccer fans, I guess.

2007-07-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

Check out this stud! Liverpool have finally signed an A-list striker, for a club-record 26.5 million pounds. That's, like... $476 million dollars. Roughly.

His name is Fernando Torres, he's Spanish, and until now he scored goals for Atletico Madrid and Spain. A YouTube search of his name will yield a few highlight reels, and more than a few photo montages of his abs. Dreamy.

I won't lie: I'm glad to finally have some glamour at Anfield (sorry Crouch and Bellamy, but... yeah), but this dude had better unleash a flood of goals to justify the loss of my current favorite Spaniard, the Five-foot-Seven Slice-of-Heaven, Luis Garcia. My little buddy went back to Madrid to help ease the pain of a $476 million-dollar bill. Roughly.

While on the soccer tip, the next reported target for Liverpool is Man United defender Gabriel Heinze. I'm not particularly optimistic about it, as Premiership rivals aren't in the habit of selling each other quality players.

Also, Arsenal snagged a new striker out of the blue yesterday: The Brazilian by-way-of Croatia, Eduardo Da Silva. I don't know much about him, as he was playing in the nether-regions of Eastern Europe, but I think it's safe to say that he'll have a hard time filling the stylish shoes of Thierry Henry.

A New Era

2007-07-01T08:14:00.001-07:00

The Process
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

1310 N. Leavitt is down to two occupants, and one less mongoloid means much less crap. To date, our place has pretty much been a clutter factory, but those days are done. This weekend, Chris and I began a modest cleaning spree that gathered steam as it went, and ended with us tossing about half of our furniture- pretty much anything with a surface to collect the afore-mentioned clutter. Now the place is super sparse. There's even a bit of an echo. I love it so much that I stand around with my hands on my hips, just admiring it.

Things that make me sad

2007-06-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

1. Thierry Henry's Premiership Departure
I'm not an Arsenal fan, but I was depressed to hear that he would be leaving for Barcelona. The man was pure charisma on and off the pitch, and the English Season will be less exciting without him. As an homage, here is Henry, single-handedly shredding my boys. I remember cowering in shame as I watched this play.

2. The Demise of Punk Planet
A Chicago-based bastion of political, artistic, and journalistic integrity. Home to some of the finest writing that no one ever read. I was sad when Dan Sinker's other mag, BAIL, went under a couple of years ago, but I thought PP was his rock. It says a lot about the state of indie press when a book like this can't survive.

3. Dakota Blue Richards as Lyra in The Golden Compass
Okay, maybe this isn't her fault (it's probably the producer or director's), but Lyra is supposed to be a sassy little dirty butch tomboy. Not a Victorian princess. And anyway, do we really need another creepy child actress named "Dakota"? Seriously, Dakota Fanning is probably like, WTF.

I need more buckets.

2007-06-13T13:53:00.001-07:00

I need more buckets.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

Is there anything more satisfying than discovering a new purpose for and ordinary household object? It makes me feel like MacGyver. This breakthrough is especially nice, because when all is said and done, I just can't fit a dumpster in my apartment.

In other news, I think the sentence should be a bit longer than 2 years for tearing off someone's testicle and trying to eat it. I've heard that Liverpool girls are rough, but damn.

She is in your extended network. (They all are).

2007-06-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my friend Luc was telling me these great stories about meeting crazy girls from The Onion Personals. The stories were so funny, in fact, that I decided to sign up, and did so immediately.

Five minutes later, I was bored with the site and forgot completely about it.

That is, until a couple of weeks later, when I received an official Onion email, promising new matches to my profile! I clicked the link to check out these fatties, and was surprised to find that a handful of cute girls had "winked" at me on the site. One of these girls seemed particulary attractive (and possibly even smart), so I replied to her wink. Chalk one up for the internet.

I was a bit skeptical about The Onion's message system though, because it kept referring me to the "account upgrade" page on the site, which I of course refused to do. Signing up was funny; paying $100 for it, sad.

So, in a somewhat dubious move, I did a quick myspace search for the girl's name. Surprise, surprise, she popped right up. At this point, she had contacted me twice on The Onion's page, and was looking gorgeous as well, so I went for broke and sent her a myspace message.

About an hour later, I was woken up by my phone. It's Luc.

Luc: Hey, did you send a message to a girl named **** on myspace?
Me: Huh, wha-um, yeah, I think so.
Luc: (Laughing) She's a friend of mine. She just called me, asking if you were some kind of stalker.
Me: Um.
Luc: But don't worry man, I told her you were normal.
Me: Thanks Luc, goodnight.
Luc: See you tomorrow, stalker.

So yeah, after getting turned onto the damn site by Luc, the first girl I message there is an acquaintance of his. They even dated for a bit.

Fucking Chicago.

The Polls are in: Summer '07= Ribs & Hip-Hop

2007-05-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official... Hip-hop is "in" for the summer. A brief stroll around Wicker Park confirmed it this Memorial Day Weekend, when they were blasting Clipse in Reckless, Company Flow in Una Mae's, and... I don't know, some garbage in Urban Outfitters. I responded to the trend accordingly. A glimpse of the shuffle:

I mean, I don't want to be the guy that bucks every trend, but I really love hip-hop, and I hate when it comes into fashion every three years or so, and I have to listen to some fake-ass, desperately intellectual hipsters tell me what I'm supposed to like about it.

With that rant off my chest, I should mention that Memorial Day itself was excellent, in large part due to my friend Tsha and her mother, who cooked up this ridiculous meal for Josh and Myself. There may have been other people present as well, but my attention was locked on the meat, like Chewbacca on Endor. Luckily, Josh keeps a mini buzz-saw in his pocket, so we were able bail.

Hydrate or Die Tryin'... No more!

2007-05-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Question: Does Glaceau really expect me to keep buying 50 Cent's Vitamin Water, now that they cut the chromed-out packaging? I mean, this new label just ain't street. Even worse, they removed the quote, "Suckaz be movin' out the way at them beverage conferences."
Word to Gatorade: My life is now seriously devoid of ill hip-hop beverages.

The 80s are back.

2007-05-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

As a kid growing up in the 80s, I only wanted one thing: lasers in the background of my school pictures. Oh, and Lazer Tag. Yeah, two things. While my Mom never let me get the pictures (mine are all "Traditional"), my brother and I did eventually pick up a pair of these bad boys.

As the 80s faded into the 90s, my appetite for lazers went dormant; and was eventually replaced by L.A. Looks hair products.

Thankfully, Bungie redeemed my life this week, with their release of the Halo 3 beta. Check the vid- it looks more like an ELO concert than a game of Halo. It's good to know that some people still remember what it means to be Rad.

Transition

2007-05-13T18:54:00.001-07:00

Blazers Low
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

To my great relief, I am officially down to one job. About 35-40 hours a week. A normal schedule that feels like another vacation, considering the 60+ hour weeks I've become accustomed to.

I am so happy with my newly freed time, in fact, that I spent most of this weekend drafting a cover letter for my next 2nd job. I've learned my lesson though-- from now on I'm only applying for dream jobs. I almost landed one once; only school thwarted me. And Lord knows I don't have that to get in my way at the moment.

So after many hours hunched in the lounge at Alliance, I have a pretty dope cover letter together. Just the right mix of bravado, flattery, and brilliance. You know, like everything I write.

The only problem is, the position I'm applying for doesn't exist, and the company in question probably doesn't have the budget to create it. The goal of my cover letter isn't to sell myself. It's to convince this company to rethink their entire public image, hire me, and allow me to handle the change.

It's a pretty audacious goal, but when you only apply for dream jobs, that's the way it's gotta be. Besides, I wrote like 3 drafts of that letter. And I never rewrite.

I'm a shoo-in. Get it?

Have you Slept Yet?

2007-05-10T01:47:00.001-07:00

Goodbye Japan.
Originally uploaded by todd.burbo.

It's 3:00am in Chicago, and I'm wide awake. Perhaps I'm not fully adjusted yet. At least I'll have endless espresso in about 2 hours.

In regards to my last, "introspective" entry, I seem to be taking steps toward changing my life here in Chicago. On my first day back, I sent a sort of "fuck off" email to the Lawyers, although I admit it was phrased more politely than that. I told them that I didn't need their money, which is hilarious because post-Japan, I need it more than ever. But sanity is more important. With any luck, today will be my last as their bitch. Amber is taking steps toward leaving too, which helps my conscience. And she bought a Prius! 'Atta girl.